A Change In Plans

Once upon a time, I was a wee student starting at university in the wondrous city of Seattle. I had big dreams and was serious about the things I wanted. I found my way into the art center and decided to make it my home. I loved art. I was never a skilled fine artist--I still can't draw anything decently--but I loved color and texture and composition. It didn't take long for me to declare my intentions to be visual communications major. I worked really hard on my portfolio, applied and was unexpectedly accepted into the program. In typical Alicia "all-or-nothing" form, I was all in and very excited about it.

Fast forward only one short quarter. My schedule was quickly filling up with art classes, so tightly packed into each term to ensure that I could graduate in just four years that I didn't have time for anything else, and I felt stifled. I heard about the classes my friends were taking and I was jealous. I dreamt of studying more--knowing more. I loved art. I wanted it to be what I did and who I was. But suddenly the reality of that set it: if I was an artist as a VisCom major, that was going to be all I was. I realized that I couldn't do it all; I had to choose between art classes, which I thought I knew I wanted, and an entire catalogue full of other things that fascinated me from a distance. I decided I didn't love art enough to do only it. I quit.

I spent the rest of the year floundering. I tried different things, idealized majors in my head only to sit in uninformative and mind-numbingly boring classes. I was discouraged and felt like I was wasting my time at my over-priced private university. And then something magical happened: I fell into sociology and women's studies. My life and everything I had been dreaming of was changed. I cannot imagine the person I would be had I not quit art and let myself be lost for a while.

You might already see where this story is leading, and if not, well, here it is: I have decided not to return to Vietnam next year. I know. I'm probably being ridiculous. And the thing is, it isn't that I don't really enjoy being in Vietnam. I love working for MCC. I feel like I am learning a lot and getting a chance to be exposed to things I wouldn't have had a chance to learn about before. In theory, the place Vietnam is at in its development is absolutely fascinating to me. But, in practice, I don't think I'm ready to be focusing so specifically on Vietnam. Just as when I decided to major in art, the decision to stay felt like it fit exactly who I want to be and like it presented a world full of potential. And now, like art once did to my academic imagination, it feels like I have limited myself.

So I am un-limiting myself and planning on returning to Portland this summer and sticking around there for a while. I have no idea what this means for what I do next. And I can't say for sure that I won't blissfully live there for 2 months and then suddenly turn restless and regret this decision. But I need to try it. I'm going to trust that whatever floundering I do, it will eventually lead to something great. And I get to live in Oregon! I cannot wait!

54 days until I move back to the US :)