Something I'm NOT Neutral About.

Sometimes in times of drastic change and transitions I go into this odd neutral mode. I think it is like I'm storing up all my emotional energy for whatever is coming: goodbyes, leaving, moving, home, hellos, weddings, unemployment and whatever else unknown goes along with all of that. Right now is just right now, leaving is a fact and I guess I'll deal with whatever it means when it comes. I'm the Switzerland of emotions.

That being said, there is one thing this week that has forced me away from neutrality, far from the even-keeled land of the alps. It induces rant after rant that poor Calah and Hannah have not heard the end of.

ants.

That is right. I live in a tropical country where I'm sure there are all sorts of large and dangerous creatures but I also live in a city of 6 million people. Bugs are not common. Cockroaches take only a few attempts with a shoe. As long as I'm viewing rats from a distance they kind of entertain me. But ants are the bane of my existence. It doesn't even take food: they love my tea, glasses of water, my computer screen and keyboard, anything. Everything.

You might think that ants are harmless, well, think again my friend. They are destructive to one's mental well-being and distracting while you work and in general a complete nuisance. More than that though, these 110 million year old terrorists are known to have colonized almost every landmass on Earth. Screw modern resource driven Imperialism, or the big-name colonizing nations of the 19th century, we need to protect ourselves from the ants!

And they threaten your health! Have you heard of Phantom Ant Syndrome?! Well in the case that you haven't heard of this made up yet devastatingly serious condition, let me tell you: you do not want to suffer from it. The symptoms include a tingling feeling along your arm in an ant like pattern. It then spreads: your legs, neck, in extreme cases even your hair. Can you imagine if you had an ant in your hair?! It could cling to a single follicle and live there forever! Most people may attribute this delusion as simply a manifestation of fear and exasperation and give it little attention. Which is what makes the following fact truly terrifying: approximately 1 in 6 times it is no figment of your imagination but an actual teeny tiny colonial invader crawling on your arm!

And what is the most infuriating is that I'm 100% positive the little devils are targeting me. For example, yesterday a co-worker brought donuts to work. I ate one and absentmindedly left the plate with a single crumb on my desk. Within the hour they had declared war. The area was swarming with the minuscule 6-legged soldiers, invading not only the target itself but taking the whole area under their control. I tried to quickly squelch them out by removing the plate, but it was too late. It took hours to fully reclaim my territory.

At the exact same time downstairs in the kitchen was an entire plate of donuts left on the table. They had been cut into bite size pieces, spreading the frosting around the plate and letting the sweet smell waft through the room. All morning this plate sat in the open and when I came down from lunch there was not one single ant there. Not one! It had sat there for hours. I'm telling you, I'm the victim of ant hate crimes.

All that to say, my hatred of the ants surpasses anything else I could think about this week. Come the end of my contract here I'm moving to Iceland--according to wikipedia they don't have ants there.